so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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