I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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