do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
