I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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