so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
