i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
