We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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