I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
