I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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