who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
