Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
