oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
two words: eviction party
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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