the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
