i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
sarcasm needs its own font
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
