Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
