i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize