just tell him i said nine months
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dick very happy bro
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
