we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
