I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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