Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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