my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
