We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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