ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
