I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Randomize
