I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
