And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize