i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
