I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize