i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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