I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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