The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
