I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
