Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
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