4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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