Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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