It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You dont lie about slip and slides
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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