so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
