Pants 0. Shit 1.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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