Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How's work?
Spinning.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
