Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
