my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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