is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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