Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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