i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
