can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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