hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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