you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
