I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
