I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He? As in you personified your dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
