she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
