He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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