i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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