I accidentally had phone sex last night
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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