absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
