this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
