So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
