I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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