Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
