I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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