Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
